Tactics of Manipulators

Article by Michael S. Foster, commentary in red by Ambrose M. Mueller

The Benevolent Manipulator

Manipulators can be benevolent. And not just benevolent as a camouflage for their manipulation. It’s real. However, their benevolence is directly tied to your willingness to push forward their agenda.

Now there is a sense in which this is true of everyone. I love those who are in the trenches with me. And the fact that we shared a common mission feeds and strengthens that love. If an individual were to shift their mission and move to a different skirmish line, it would eventually lessen my affection for them. I think this is natural. The more we share in common, the greater the communal bond and vice versa.

There is, however, a difference with the benevolent manipulator. Their love isn’t conditioned on your mutual interests. It’s conditioned on your interest in their agenda and that agenda is always centered on their person. This they do camouflage (perhaps, subconsciously). You think you are in co-orbit with someone around a shared and greater mission. In reality, the manipulator wants you to be in orbit around them. They are the agenda.

Again, it can be hard to discern when this is happening. There are some major tells and they usually show themselves when you attempt to correct the orbital imbalance.

Here are a few:

They will often question your loyalty and do so slyly.
They will be suspicious of anyone who leaves the “group.”
They will often “poison the well” when it comes to anyone that might rival their “gravitational pull.”
They will try to convince you that any concerns you have or actions you do which don’t align with their agenda spring forth from some personal weakness.

They’ll use all these tactics to try to realign you to their mission. If it works, you’ll be back in but probably with an asterisk. If it doesn't work, they’ll be done with you and warn other people about you. They'll call you weak, disgruntled, rebellious, and so forth. You will become the well which must be poisoned.

For the benevolent manipulator, it’s an all or nothing sort of scenario. Anyone that’s not with them, is probably against them. Or so they tell themselves and any stuck in orbit around them.

There are a lot of people who, whether they realize it or not, lie and manipulate people into doing things for “good reasons”—I was reading a story about a husband who had a long-term head cold but wouldn’t listen to his wife’s advice to go to the doctor, so his wife faked having a new lump on her body and told him that she wouldn’t go to the doctor about her lump unless he went about his sickness.

Now the wife might say that she was manipulating her husband for a good reason, but it was ultimately her reason and it was not focused on glorifying God–it was a deceitful measure. But we all are deceitful in our sinfulness. The scriptures talk about us having deceitful tongues and hearts (Psalm 120:2, Jeremiah 17:9).

May we put off our deceitful tongues and hearts that we use to manipulate others.

The Manipulator’s Helper

Manipulation never quite sits right. It’s unsettling even for a naive person. Consequently, manipulators won’t get far without a band of enablers.

The enablers are those who come to settle those who were unsettled by the manipulations of the manipulator(s).

They are always dispelling concerns.
They are always explaining how the manipulator was under a lot of pressure, just using hyperbole, or didn’t really mean what they thought they heard him say.
In a nutshell, they are the manipulator’s advocate.

You can’t oppose manipulators without addressing their enablers. And, of course, it’s always best to start by addressing where you’ve been an enabler. Repent, apologize, and take responsibility for where you failed to shut down a manipulator.

Now, the manipulator’s helpers have the largest impact when the church’s focus is shifted away from Christ and on the person in the pulpit. When the ministry is about that leader, the people deeply involved in that ministry are going to be about that leader as well, most of the time consciously—I imagine this is the case because they come in thinking “this is the person with the amazing vision” or “this person is the [great] leader and following them will help us to be most successful” and this is why decisions that happen in the church (just like everything in the life of the Christian needs to come back to the scriptures

If a church leader is diligent to obey the scriptures, then it’s God leading His people rather than man but if the leader isn’t leading with his Bible open then that ministry is people following a fallible man and things become cult-like fast.

Tactic: Flip the Script

A common tactic is “flipping the script.” It's basically a form of gaslighting:

“You only think we’re arrogant because you’re arrogant.”
“You claiming that we are gossiping about you is slander.”

This is a simple diversion tactic. The goal is to keep you on the hot seat where you have to defend yourself. Why? Two reasons:

Because they won’t have to respond to your charge if you get distracted with defending yourself
Because you'll likely get emotional and that'll make you look out of control

The simplest way to overcome this tactic isn’t to outright deny their counterclaim. It’s possible that there is some truth to it. An over-the-top reaction will only make them appear more right. More importantly, we must be willing to accept corrections even from those with whom we are at odds. Humility never backfires.

The right response is to say, “That may be and we can return to it but for the moment I would like for you to deal with my concern. Are you denying it outright?”

Your goal is to get a real answer. Maybe they will admit to it. Maybe they won't. If they are believers, they’ll probably admit to it but weaken your claim: “Yes, we did talk about you but it wasn’t gossip. We were concerned and we were seeking counsel from some brothers.” It might not be the answer you want but it’s better than nothing. It gives you a possible way forward.

The main thing is to stay on point and do so calmly. You always have to be laser focussed with people given to manipulative tactics. You can’t stay on point if you don’t have a point. Hence, it’s important that you carefully consider the issue at hand.

Have you considered the possibility that you are wrong?

Have you asked God to “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there is any hurtful way in me?”

Have you walked through this issue with a godly friend who is willing to “wound you” by telling you things you don’t want to hear?

Check yourself. No one is a mere victim. Get the log out of your own eye first. Then— and only then—will you be able to get the speck, twig, or log out of your brother’s eye.

The goal is for everyone to take responsibility for their sin, repent, reconcile, and move forward with kingdom building. It’s a causal chain. Owning sin is the first domino that must fall. So own yours before even starting the conversation and pray earnestly that they will follow suit. There can’t be any reconciliation where people refuse to own their sins. And no God-fearing Christian wants that.

P.S. This Key & Peele sketch nails flipping the script/gaslighting in a sketch entitled “Meegan and Andre Break Up.” Andre tries to break up with Meegan because she is controlling and she flips the script and convinces him that he is the controlling one. It's got rough language but perfect.

Tactic: Always Keeping It Subjective

A tactic of manipulators is to *mostly* focus on the subjective. They’ll try to make everything about what the claim is going on “inside” as opposed to actual words and action. They’ll do this both with you and themselves.

With you, they’ll make much of what they claim to be your sinful motives, intentions, and emotions.

With themselves, they’ll make much of what they claim to be their innocent and noble motives, intentions, and emotions.

Why? Because it’s easier to revise intentions than it is to revise actual events.

This allows them to spin everyone’s actions in a way that best fits a narrative that will allow them to side-step responsibility.

You’ll hear phrases like these:

“Where is this mistrust coming from?” “Haven’t I loved you?”
“When have we ever misled you?” “I’m bothered that you feel this way.”

Don’t
Rely with something like: “Well, let’s come back to that and first deal the issue at hand.”

It’s that simple. Stay on target. Keep it objective. Manipulators want you to move into the realm of suspicions.

By the way, it isn’t immoral to make appeals to past affection and loyalties. In Galatians 4, Paul says:

For I bear you witness that, if possible, you would have plucked out your eyes and given them to me. So have I become your enemy by telling you the truth?

But you must recognize that this isn’t a blind appeal to emotions. It’s an appeal sandwiched in-between powerful rational and scriptural arguments. Paul isn’t saying, “Just trust me.” No, that’s the realm of manipulators and frauds.

One of the most valuable skills that can be used when dealing with a manipulator (or anyone trying to divert conversation) is to stay on point (not let that person redirect you) and do not let emotions get the best of you in the moment. Coming into conversation with this person expecting that they are going to try to divert the conversation and make you emotional is important because those things will catch you by surprise if you’re not prepared for them. Also, consider the fact that he is doing these things because that’s the trait of a manipulator—that’s what they do.

In the same way a liar lies, a chef cooks, a busybody meddles in other peoples’ affairs, and manipulators manipulate. They do this because that’s who they are, a sinful person who’s in need of grace just like how you are. We stay calm and confront them so that we can win our brother back.

Tactic: The Jewish Mother

Manipulators emphasize a particular type of loyalty: loyalty to a person more so than principles. They do this in a lot of ways. One method I've noticed is what I call the "Jewish Mother Technique."

This is where they talk endlessly about how everyone leaves them or betrays or doesn't appreciate them or is ashamed of them and on and on it goes.

You, of course, don't want to belong to that group of disloyal miscreants.

The only way to avoid being a traitor is to stick around, whether you want to or not. So the moment you stop following that manipulator, you too will have your name added to the list of everyone who left and “harmed” them.

Hence, the importance of loyalty to their person is emphasized through a form of negative reinforcement.

Tactic: Cultivating a Scarcity Mindset

Manipulators are experts at cultivating a “scarcity mindset” in others.

They want you to believe that they are the only one who you can get *something* from that they know you really want.

That *something* may be love, approval, orthodoxy, vocational opportunities, or whatever. I’ve seen them use two tactics in tandem to create a “scarcity mindset” in individuals.

First, they dangle the carrot of that *something* just out of your reach. They use it to steer you. It’s always so close. Maybe they even let you have a nibble of the carrot. However, it’s always conditioned on you staying on the course they’ve plotted for you. Divert and the carrot goes away. Then comes the stick but that’s not the second tactic I have in mind.

Second, they seek to convince you that they are the only ones with the carrot. No one else has it (scarcity, get it?). Just them. To do this, they have to convince you that all the other carrots you see out there are actually poisoned. Yes, they may look like perfectly fine carrots but, they assure you, it’s all a show.

They are the only ones that have what you want and/or need. You have no other options. This is almost always false. There are an abundance of opportunities out there.
Plenty of real love, approval, orthodox churches, vocational opportunities, and so forth. But that’s a reality a manipulator must skew or else they'll lose control. Chess masters need chess pieces.

When we fall victim to the scarcity mindset, we become dependent on the manipulator. Metaphorically, we become “hooked up” to the manipulator’s IV bag and are warned that once you disconnect yourself from the drip you no longer have what you need to be healthy or live. This mindset is extremely effective at not only making the manipulator into an idol but it prevents us from going out from the manipulator to herald the good news of the Gospel. God has given us His Spirit to abide in us, and in Him we have everything we need.

Tactic: Negging, Always Negging

I've noticed that a lot of manipulators use a well-known pick-up artist (PUA) tactic called "negging." Here's a decent "Urban Dictionary" definition:

"How [a neg] works is you use remarks to tap into female insecurity; Shake their confidence.” Neg is a negative remark wrapped in a back-handed compliment.

So your neg will confuse and intrigue them and maybe even shake their confidence a little bit, but only enough for them to fall from the clouds and be interested in talking to you. It's a way to get through their defenses at bars and such."

Basically, negging is a way to break down someone's confidence (male or female) and cause them to feel below you in status so that they will in turn seek out your validation.

A manipulator will try to negate or devalue anything that makes you his superior or equal.

I had a guy who would often tell me how he never thought I'd go as far as I had. It always made me chuckle. The last time he said it, I replied, “the feeling was mutual.”

You are almost certainly dealing with a manipulator if the only accomplishments that matter are those which happened under his watch.

Since your accomplishments only matter under his watch, it’s easy to justify the overbearingness of manipulators and why you need to follow their lead/do what they say. “You were successful because you were under me at this time. You were successful because you did what I told you was best. You could have been more successful if you did what I told you to do. This is why I’m so adamant about you listening to me.” The envy of the manipulator cannot bear to see any success happen outside of himself.

Tactic: Cultivating a Spirit of Rivalry

One tactic of a manipulator is to constantly feed a spirit of rivalry among others. It’s a way to get people to internally desire the manipulator’s approval.

One way I’ve seen this done is where the manipulator facilitates a discussion where men compare themselves to one another.

Sometimes it is with an individual, sometimes a group.

The main thing is that they get you to compare yourself to others and then they act as a judge over the accuracy of your comparison.

Sometimes, he will praise you (and that praise can be dependent on whether or not you see things from his point of view) but he will also give you “his take” on what you said. By using this method, the manipulator is making you take the first step in listening to what they have to say, making you question whether or not you’re seeing things as they really are–and if you aren’t, then you need help from the manipulator to understand reality.

It cultivates a mental framework that always asks, “But what would he think?” It’s a form of manipulative control and influence.

Tactic: The Surprise Meeting

Another tactic of a manipulator is the “surprise meeting.”

This can take the form of an actual meeting or a phone call. The most important element is that they take you by surprise. The purpose is to catch you in a less than prepared state so that they have a strategic advantage. They’ve had time to warm up their emotions and arguments. You, however, are walking into it very cold. Thus, you are much easier to steer and manipulate.

They often pair the “surprise meeting” with the “imminent deadline” tactic. The purpose of this tactic is to create the appearance of options diminishing with each tick of the tock. Then through the “surprise meeting” they apply pressure so you will feel that you have no other options but the ones they lay in front of you. It’s very effective.

The manipulators know that if they surprise you rather than give you time to plan and be logical, just about everything that you will do will be based on emotion. And hardly any of us are good at making emotionally-driven decisions.

Some meetings take place on short notice. Sometimes you do have to make the best of the options available to you on a tight timetable. It’s not always manipulation.

Here’s a tip for spotting it. Manipulators will repeatedly delay having the talk and then suddenly want to have the talk the night before. If you ask for more time, they will say that it can’t any longer be put off as if you had been complicit in the delaying of things.

It’s a game. It’s manipulation. You do have time. So take it. If they lash out at you for wanting to make a careful decision, they're definitely a manipulator.

Closing: Am I a Manipulator?

There is a blurry boundary between being a godly persuader and an ungodly manipulator. Sometimes godly persuasion will come across as ungodly manipulation. Sometimes ungodly manipulation will be cloaked as godly persuasion. It’s a tricky distinction that spouses, parents, pastors, etc must discern and navigate.

Here are a few thoughts on “how to”

A persuader persuades by presenting reality as it is. They can allow all facts to be heard and their case will still stand. Also, a persuader will adjust their argument as new facts are presented. They do this because their main motivation is conformity to truth and not merely a personal agenda.

A manipulator, however, manipulates reality to fit an agenda. They do this by carefully maximizing and minimizing aspects of reality towards the end of advancing an agenda. They aren’t trying to align someone with truth but rather a personal agenda.

Are you being a persuader or a manipulator?
Ask yourself the following:
Why am I persuading this person to change their mind?
Is it mainly for my benefit or their benefit?
Have I listened to their reasoning for why they believe or behave as they do?
Did I engage with their strongest points honestly or try to maneuver around them?

You can also apply these questions to a situation to determine whether you are being persuaded or manipulated.

It’s foolish to act like there isn’t such a thing as manipulation. Proverbs warns about evil men and women who play on our weakness and temptations for their own sinful purposes. That’s manipulation.

However, it’s all foolish to treat all persuasion (i.e. counsel/correction) as if it’s manipulation. A lot of people play the “manipulation card” to evade legitimate corrective counsel. They posture themselves as merely a victim.

Always-the-victim types and manipulators share this in common: self-protection. They won't budge an inch on any point if it means admitting that they are wrong.

The manipulator will label those who don’t go along with their agenda as rebellious, weak, or pitiful.

In a similar way, the always-the-victim type will label those who legitimately exercise authority or issue a loving correction as manipulators, tyrants, or bullies.

They are two sides to the same coin. Manipulators are victims with power. Victims are manipulators without power. This is why the oppressed can so quickly transform into the oppressors.

Christians take ownership for their sins and submit to the truth of God's Word. In doing so, they avoid the ditches of being always-a-victim or a manipulator.